| The hardest thing I have ever had to write 13:02 - Apr 15 with 4579 views | BlueandTruesince82 |
Help
It's that simple, sign posting recommendations etc.
I have seen a few posts such as this over the years and the TWTD community has never failed to amaze me with its advise, compassion and understanding.
I have recently found myself struggling mentally, over thinking, worrying too much about all sorts, work, home life, life in general, pretty much everything. Feels like I'm spiralling a bit and can't pull out.
It's not depression, I have experienced depression before and this is different but if i don't fix it soon it may turn into that as well.
I am questioning almost everything, have lost all sense of self confidence and the ability to relax, switch off be in the moment. Its like whatever I'm doing there is an out of body me above whispering in my ear providing not very helpful analysis and critique of everything I do.
I find myself feeling pretty worthless and not deserving of the friendships or relationships that I have. I could and probably should talk to friends but the one friend that I would have reached out to (as a middle aged man I find my circle now greatly diminished) sadly passed away suddenly at the end of last year, I miss them greatly and don't think I have fully processed that yet. Grief council ing is probably in order there but this goes much beyond that.
I am of course looking at therapy, I have had therapy before and it helped a bit but clearly not as much as I thought.
There are some unresolved issues resulting from childhood and the hold that the Mike Hunt of an old man seems to still have over me feels relentless I wonder if it's him in my ear the result of his influence is that confidence does not come easy to me and is easily knocked.
I feel like a rabbit in tbe headlights, frozen through fear of getting it wrong. It being everything.
I'm so clouded I am struggling to think straight and have a nagging feeling my life is about to implode.
I feel like an idiot even writing all of this and though I know I'm not, it doesn't change that feeling of failure in doing so.
Feeling pretty inept and rubbish for not being able to help myself, again I know I shouldn't but I do.
Any advise, input suggestions or recommendations from anyone who has been through similar is very welcome below or in private.
Thanks
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 13:09 - Apr 15 with 3470 views | witchdoctor |
you have taken the hardest/bravest step by opening up and not bottling it inside…I’m probably not the best bloke to address your feelings but hang on in there mate as Im sure there are plenty of folk on here who can be of assistance …👍 |  | | |
| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 13:13 - Apr 15 with 3438 views | soupytwist |
There will be people along soon with much more useful input than I can give. However, do not underestimate the impact of grief, especially sudden unexpected grief. That may have knocked you sideways to the extent that your ability to handle the other things you mention is seriously diminished.
Hang in there, you've taken a very important step by acknowledging the situation. |  | | |
| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 13:16 - Apr 15 with 3383 views | ITFC_84 |
I’m in awe of you being able to write this. Many of us have felt/are feeling like this and have/are suffering in silence.
I’m sure many others can offer you advice. However, please know you are not ever alone. |  | | |
| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 13:16 - Apr 15 with 3379 views | giant_stow |
I feel for you mr. I'm no shrink, but It sounds like you're processing a lot grief and unresolved stuff about your past. I also recognise alot of the feelings of self doubt you seem to be feeling.
definitely get a therapist involved and don't be afraid to shop about, both in terms of therapy style (psychoanalysis, CBT, hypnotherapy etc..) and how you can on with the therapist as an individual (I too have seen loads of therapists and the standard is very variable).
In the meantime, I can't help but think you're being very tough on yourself - try listing out the things which are going well, that you're good at or how you make people happy, even in small ways. I bet its a longer list that you'd imagine right now, especially if you judge yourself fairly. |  |
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 13:30 - Apr 15 with 3230 views | Steve_M |
Well, it's a big step writing that down and sharing that so I'm glad you've done so - and you should be proud of doing that too.
There will be others with better advice but one thing that stood out:
"I am of course looking at therapy, I have had therapy before and it helped a bit but clearly not as much as I thought."
Don't think of therapy as an outright solution, more as a treatment. Clearly the loss of your friend has had a big impact and, whilst it may not be the only issue, it probably exacerbates everything else. If it helped before then it can probably do so again.
Take care of yourself and don't be afraid to update the thread.
Still, good thing the football is all nice and non-stressful to take tour mind off it all..... |  |
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 13:44 - Apr 15 with 3138 views | Herbivore |
Well done for being so honest about how you are feeling currently, that is incredibly brave and a very big step for you to take. I think therapy is definitely good to explore, as Steve said it's not a cure as such, it's rare for someone to have a course of therapy and be 'better' forever, a lot of people revisit therapy when struggles resurface. For you it does sound like losing your friend (my condolences for your loss as well) could have been a trigger and brought up some of the issues from your past as well so it's understandable that your mental well being may be impacted more generally by that happening.
In addition to therapy, try to reach out to your friends and family if you can. You don't have to be as candid with them as you have with us if that feels uncomfortable for you, but your natural instinct right now will probably be to withdraw and not see people, and whilst that can bring short term comfort, it can lead to you feeling more isolated and more like you don't deserve to have people on your life (which you absolutely do). You almost have to fight your instinct a bit but it is worth trying to do that, even if it's just going for a drink with a mate who you know is easy company, something to get you out and doing something that you'll hopefully find positive. Generally, try to do more of the things that bring you some happiness and comfort as well.
As others have said, try to be kind to yourself as well, which is easier said than done. Lots of people struggle with their mental health and it sounds like you have plenty of reasons why you might be finding things difficult right now. Try to counter those voices telling you that you aren't worthy and criticising you, think about things you do or have done well, your strengths and the things that people like about you. If you're struggling to think of things, ask other people and use their voices to counter your internal voice.
I hope this can be a positive first step for you reaching out and writing down how you're feeling in the way you have. Feel free to keep reaching out if you need to. |  |
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 13:56 - Apr 15 with 3056 views | NeedhamChris |
I can't really offer a lot of direct experience so sorry I can't be of more help. Only thing I can relate to the constant worrying about everything. Different for me - but I've become more and more aware over the years that much of the things I struggle with would be consistent with ADHD, and that I can spend every minute thinking about worst case scenarios. It can be quite easy to get lost in those - so talking to others who then offer some more reassurance is important that things are not all a disaster.
I posted asking for peoples favourite Suffolk spots the other day - as one thing I've found quite helpful is to find places that feel happy and more free of stressful factors and make a point to spend time there. Last week it was Orford, yesterday Beccles - just places where it feels a little calmer, as that makes it easier for me to think about what (if anything) I need to address first. Not to say that'll work for you, but any happier place (or activity) that you can find might be a good place to start.
It sounds like therapy might be a good option - depending on how you'd plan to access it (NHS vs private) there are some good resources and 'find a therapist' sites that give you an idea of what they specialise in. Here's one - https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/ - but there are likely others. GP can be a good starting point too.
Finally - just because (sadly) your friend isn't around to say this - that doesn't stop it being true that they would have been immensely proud of you for having the courage to seek help. [Post edited 15 Apr 14:05]
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 14:27 - Apr 15 with 2926 views | Keno |
Wow! what am amazing and brave thing to post, well done. to have the courage to post that that should go a long to dispel any feeling of worthlessness.
I suspect that in many way some of us have been in similar places at times so you know it isnt easy.
I really dont know what to say that may be of much help apart from try and seek some help, Suffolk Mind is the obvious starting point if you are in Suffolk.
For my part Ive learnt a few 'tricks' over the years to try to refocus when I same to feel I'm sinking which sometimes work better than others and Ive always just about managed to stay ahead of 'my cloud' ..... just.
Not sure is any of that rambling helps but keep in touch with us all. We are a strange mixed up bunch but we do care |  |
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 14:47 - Apr 15 with 2815 views | Buhrer |
All things pass. Just like your mental health has changed to now, how you feel will change again. It's good you are self aware and taking steps. Sometimes when the world is darkest, we may see a light not visible before. Everyday look after yourself and stay as physically healthy active and occupied as possible. I've found that things I'd thought long dealt with have arisen again, and think there's some truth in Jungs life stages, and for myself midlife, having my psychology rake up issues of my teens and 20s. Stay strong and more power to you Sir. |  | | |
| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 14:51 - Apr 15 with 2786 views | _clive_baker_ |
All the best chap. As others have said, you're very brave for opening up and I dare say that's a very hard step to take. I don't have direct experience myself to lean on but I've been very close to people with mental health struggles. Professional help should definitely be sought if you think you need a bit of a crutch, that's what its there for. And keep talking, on here, to friends, family, anonymously online, to professionals. Don't bottle things up, you'll get through it. |  | | |
| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 14:53 - Apr 15 with 2770 views | HemelBlue |
Hi - very brave of you to write this.
Are you sleeping ok - I suspect not?
Speaking with a little family experience, it sounds like maybe you are suffering an episode of acute anxiety. If you seek help, think carefully about types of medication offered as SSRIs are often prescribed for depression but can make acute anxiety worse initially.
You will get through this and overcoming an anxiety disorder can give you the perspective and coping mechanisms to live a mentally healthier life.
Wishing you all the best, and soon. | | | |
| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 14:55 - Apr 15 with 2747 views | itfcpaul |
DM you | |
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 15:00 - Apr 15 with 2706 views | Seablue |
You've taken such a positive step by writing this. There are not many people who are spared mental health woes at some time or other...I have had therapy for anxiety twice through my GP...both times were really helpful and neither time didcI have to wait long. As another poster said you need to see therapy as an ongoing thing that you may always have to dip into when the need arises.
All the best and I hope Town and the community of fans can provide some distraction! | | | |
| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 15:06 - Apr 15 with 2674 views | DanTheMan |
I hope you don't mind, but I've run this past my wife who is an assistant psychologist (hopefully soon will be doing her doctorate!) because I thought she might be able to point you somewhere.
I'll try and summarise what she told me as best I can.
Given your anxiety and everything you've mentioned, it does still sound like depression which can come in many forms, even the out-of-body part you described. The therapy you did before should have hopefully given you some of the tools to try and deal with the current way you're thinking and help get you out of it. If they taught you these methods, now is the time to get them back out of the toolbox. She said therapy is a lifelong thing, in that whilst you may only go for a short period, it's what they teach you about how you handle your emotions that is the most important bit.
I'm not sure where you're based, but if it's in Suffolk then she suggested trying an IAPT service.
https://infolink.suffolk.gov.uk/kb5/suffolk/infolink/service.page?id=v8LIC6d2pw4
If not, try Googling IAPT Service with whichever county you're in and that should get you somewhere. They are self-referral and usually don't have too long a waiting list. Even if they cannot directly help you, they'll be able to point you in the right place for some proper help.
On a personal note, I realise this must have been horrid to write down but well done for sharing. You can get through this, it may take time, but with some help, you can do it. If you ever need to talk to someone, my PMs are always open (and that goes to anyone else). [Post edited 15 Apr 15:07]
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 15:23 - Apr 15 with 2584 views | LegendofthePhoenix |
I'm no professional, so all I can suggest are a couple of things that I've picked up along life's journey....
When you're feeling down like you are, and a loss of confidence, there is little better in my experience than notching up a couple of successes. But I think they key is not to be too ambitious. Write down a list of things that you should do/achieve. It could be as simple as a shopping list, or taking some exercise, or striking up a conversation with someone. But make a list, and perhaps decide when you are going to do it. Once you've completed a task, tick it off on the list. I always find that once you get a few ticks on the list, you start to feel more positive, and have achieved something. It then gives me more confidence to tackle some of the slightly more challenging tasks.
It may not work for you, but its a technique that I find works well. And talking definitely helps. Good luck bud. |  |
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 15:39 - Apr 15 with 2522 views | Linners |
Thanks for sharing this. I hope you appreciate that posts like this have knock on effects that actually save people's lives, so you've done something very important for others as well as yourself.
I would echo a point that someone else made above, don't think of therapy as a cure, more a way of managing. I've just finished my 8th or 9th go with therapy for anxiety and (obviously) none have 'cured' me but each helped in their own way to educate me and move me on. And these things do pass, even when it seems impossible.
More practically, I'd say make sure that you're on the radar at your GPs - it always helps when you need help that they understand the history. I'd also recommend looking at online NHS help as well (I've just done 10 sessions by zoom) as the waiting lists are much shorter, it's much less intrusive to your life and the experience isn't that much different.
You don't mention anything about medication in your post. I've been taking anti-depressants for about 20 years and I find they really help, even on a low dose like I am now. They don't work for everyone, and you may have to try a few options, but they can really help with over-thinking as they can make everything a bit more fuzzy and softer around the edges! And don't think twice about the stigma - that's the reason why so many men of different generations end up being...challenging.
Try and think of it like managing a bad back. You know it will play up every now and then, but you also know you can manage. When it plays up you practice self care and you try to avoid things that trigger the pain. And day-to-day get help carrying the heavy stuff...
Anyway, that's my tuppence worth. Thanks for sharing and I'm very glad your here with us, fighting the good fight... |  | | |
| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 15:57 - Apr 15 with 2450 views | leitrimblue |
This is a subject I know very little about and I would be a little worried about giving you poor or inappropriate advice. But I have to say I think what you've done here is incredibly brave and you should be proud of yerself for being so open and honest.
The fact that as a group of mainly men we are here discussing our mental health can only be a good thing. Hopefully some of the advice you receive here will help. But just as importantly your raising of the subject and honesty may well help others on here and elsewhere with similar issues who perhaps may have carried on ignoring these issues if it wasn't for your words |  | | |
| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 16:04 - Apr 15 with 2416 views | Whos_blue |
Big first step mate.
Keep talking.
It takes time and you may need to adapt to a new life with this in it, but you will eventually take back control and whilst the crappy days always suck, they will pass.
Most of all, just take care of yourself. |  |
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 16:29 - Apr 15 with 2333 views | BlueandTruesince82 |
Thank you all for the replies here and those who have DMd me, I really appreciate it. Lots to think about for me and its been reassuring having some of you share your own experiences too.
I need to think about next steps and where i go from here .
As I said, this board never ceases to amaze me | |
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 18:12 - Apr 15 with 2098 views | Churchman |
There is lots of good advice on here from people far better qualified than me so I will try not to repeat.
But I will repeat this - well done for your OP. It’s a brave thing to do and in expressing yourself in the way you have, that in itself will I hope help. A good step.
In terms of grief counselling, my sister went to a session the other week for the first time and found it helpful. Not just for sharing experiences but for the potential contacts. The second really basic thing you can do is to make sure you eat and drink properly and look after yourself. I’ve always found the more under pressure I am the more basic disciplines help. But maybe that’s just me.
Beyond that, the other posters on here have offered some good advice and while I may not be qualified to, I’m a good listener so feel free to PM me if you need ‘an ear’. |  | | |
| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 18:26 - Apr 15 with 2057 views | Steve_M |
| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 13:56 - Apr 15 by NeedhamChris |
I can't really offer a lot of direct experience so sorry I can't be of more help. Only thing I can relate to the constant worrying about everything. Different for me - but I've become more and more aware over the years that much of the things I struggle with would be consistent with ADHD, and that I can spend every minute thinking about worst case scenarios. It can be quite easy to get lost in those - so talking to others who then offer some more reassurance is important that things are not all a disaster.
I posted asking for peoples favourite Suffolk spots the other day - as one thing I've found quite helpful is to find places that feel happy and more free of stressful factors and make a point to spend time there. Last week it was Orford, yesterday Beccles - just places where it feels a little calmer, as that makes it easier for me to think about what (if anything) I need to address first. Not to say that'll work for you, but any happier place (or activity) that you can find might be a good place to start.
It sounds like therapy might be a good option - depending on how you'd plan to access it (NHS vs private) there are some good resources and 'find a therapist' sites that give you an idea of what they specialise in. Here's one - https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/ - but there are likely others. GP can be a good starting point too.
Finally - just because (sadly) your friend isn't around to say this - that doesn't stop it being true that they would have been immensely proud of you for having the courage to seek help. [Post edited 15 Apr 14:05]
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BTW, just to add that I enjoyed that Suffolk thread even if it made me think I should spend more time back there.
It was particularly welcome as the board was a bit fractious last week. | |
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 18:28 - Apr 15 with 2051 views | MK1 |
Big, big step by opening up in public.
There is absolutely nothing to feel shameful about. Most, if not all have experienced similar feelings. Remember you are not alone.
Make sure all those closest and nearest to you know how you are feeling. The more family and friends that you speak to, the better you will feel.
The next is easily said, but try not to take life so seriously. Life is hard enough, without us being hard on ourselves. If need be, watch a really funny sketch on the internet. Find something that makes you really belly laugh and maybe listen to high tempo, upbeat music.
I hope some of this helps you and again, don't be hard on yourself and congratulations on this post. It took guts and courage to do it. That tells me that you are of strong character and you should be very proud of yourself.
Take care mate and I hope things improve for you soon. |  | | |
| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 19:36 - Apr 15 with 1861 views | Ryorry |
I'm not going to try to add to the fantastic input from people far more knowledgeable than me on here, but can I just say how much I admire you for writing your OP. I also had problems from a domineering parent who only ever criticised (in their defence almost certainly had undiagnosed bi-polar), hence grew up without self-confidence.
Unlike you, I never had the courage to talk about it openly (except like you to a close friend who died), so it's stayed with me all my life - 70s now. Wish I'd had the guts 30 or more years ago to do what you've done here, I'm pretty darn sure sure that the quality of my life would have been greatly improved with therapy if I had.
Metaphorically shaking your hand sir, all the very best to you. |  |
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 19:57 - Apr 15 with 1788 views | gainsboroughblue |
I'm going to link this here
https://infolink.suffolk.gov.uk/kb5/suffolk/infolink/service.page?id=v8LIC6d2pw4
There are lots of other resources out there but obviously these need to be bespoke for you as an individual and also your location but I can and will share more with you.
You've done the most difficult part by putting it out there.
Feel free to DM me any time. Take care good fella. [Post edited 15 Apr 19:58]
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| The hardest thing I have ever had to write on 20:56 - Apr 15 with 1661 views | Cheltenham_Blue |
When I confessed what was going on with me on this board back in January, I've come to realise that sharing it with a huge group of people, who lets be honest, we don't really 'know' was the best thing I've ever done.
It was, for me too an incredibly hard thing to do, being male, there is that fear of being seen as 'weak' but apart from a few edge lords every single person on the board offered me help.
I can't tell you what is going to 'fix' you, god knows I'm now 4 months into Sertraline and I'm not 'fixed', for me the anti-depressants just act as a mask, in the same way as paracetamol only mask the pain of a headache, they aren't treating the cause of the pain, they are only treating the symptom which is the pain.
For me I've just been through a period of grief counselling, which has helped me hugely, so I would absolutely advocate for that. I didn't think it would 'help' as I thought , like you that what was going on was unconnected to grief, but its also helped me to process an awful lot of unresolved guilt too and issues going back to childhood with my parents, that I didn't even realise was there and causing me issues.
I've struggled with confidence my entire life, or rather from the age of about 11 or 12, and it still hits me now, I belittle most things that I do, doubt my abilities, and at times, as I'm sure you know, its crippling.
I can tell you this, you have to give yourself permission to be kind to yourself, and by that I don't mean the whole Caroline Flack #BeKind thing, I mean you have to give yourself praise for the things you've achieved through your life, and when you look at it, you'll realise you've achieved a hell of a lot of things. No one else is going to shout about it, you have to do it yourself.
Get some help, seek out grief counciling and let me know how you go.
Paul. |  |
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