by your Official Reporter, ColdGit@Reserves.
I have promised to be more direct. Here goes:

Darren Bent is an absolute gem. I've been saying all season that he should be in the first team and a really gamey brace tonight, leaving the winning goal till the 90th minute, will surely have clinched that exciting, fully justified reality.

A promising young Arsenal team had led, at the interval, via their dainty young centre-forward, Jermaine Brown, begloved and with corn-row hair (is that what you call it?) who took advantage of the temporary absence upfield of attack-minded Thomas Gaardsoe, to beat man-in-black Andy Marshall with a breakaway goal after 35 mins.

As crowd favourite Darren would have said afterwards, had I been able to speak to him, "I should have had at least a hat-trick, Old Git, with two half-chances just before the half hour mark, the second of which I tapped into the goalie's ample bosom - was it Richard Wright? And then, five minutes into the second half, Brian, I gently, deftly, accurately, oh no, tickled one over the bar. So far, this season, I should have scored an Axeldahl of reserve match goals."

It took an hour for Bent to strike, but it was worth waiting for. In the area, he was moving left, but flicked the ball inside his man, then curled it round the goalie and inside the right post. You beauty. 1-1.

At the death, his second goal was another peachy plum, partly because of the pin-point quality of excellent Darren Ambrose's cross from the right; all Bent had to do was control it and tuck it away, again inside the right post. He looks like Finidi George, but it's time for Finidi to take his hat off to Darren; both Darrens, for that matter: Ambrose is of the same school: eager, direct, a winner. 2-1.

Don't let's get too warmed up, though; it wasn't that sort of night for all of us. The Darrens were beacons in the mist. Urgent Yoof Ambrose replaced anonymous Nicholls after an hour, allowing begloved Nabil Abbadabba to come in from the cold on the wing into central midfield, where he continued to show delightful touch but ineffective overall impact.

Yet, in an uncertain, bump-into-things world, it was re-assuring to lie back and accept the freezing embrace - an average FPR temperature tonight of 7 degrees Celsius, whatever celcius is, but, as your Official Reporter, I have to accept that I have a worldwide audience and mustn't mention good old Fahrenheit. Mother said it was cold in Sydney today but I promise you that a couple of hours at damp Portman Road tonight would have reminded her why she emigrated 36 years ago, (and, with a worldwide audience, it is nice for them that I should make an international reference)...and yet I still cannot say, 'in Sydney' without pangs of Carry On double entendre...whoops, digressionamundo...the freezing embrace of a November evening at the Reserves, with the bizarre guarantee of safety created by a report on the BBC saying that Osama Bin Laden is an Arsenal fan. We're watching Arsenal Reserves (though this is only the official title of this team. The term has come to mean, in general conversation, something quite different: 'the team you put out against teams like Ipswich or Worthington Cup opponents.' I doubt that any of Arsenal's team tonight will ever play in the Premiership for them. Surreal. Their Yoof winger, Jerome Thomas - all their Yoof's forward line has 'J' first names - was their gem. Fabian found him to be 'unstoppable'. Umm, that doesn't make Thomas unique, though, does it? Come on Fab, shave that carpet sample off the top of your head, and play a bit. You're only up against Chris Makin.)

I'm not really digressing. It was a match without passion, without much meaning. Without Bent actually winning the match, it would have been very ho-hum, but he was this week's 'Mumo' Peralta, who was the emerging star of my last Reserves Report, and who, so soon after, is October's Third Best Player Of The Month.

In the absence of Mumo, Tommy Miller was given the opportunity to audition for Jim Magilton's shirt, but he took an early knock and that perhaps stunted his growth. Miller was derisory about Sir George's audacity, in playing 'the best midfielder in the Nationwide' on the wing; it's because Our Tom shares Our Jim's fear of wide open spaces. He feels that that circle around the centre of the pitch is there for a reason, and, tonight, he never left it. In fairness, he can sweep the ball about, though it's a little laboured, as are all his movements, as if he's a middleweight boxer with heavy legs (like Reuser, who we're coming to.)

Our team was:
Marshall
Wilnis — Gaardsoe - Justin Miller (c) - 'Gary'
Abbadabba - Tommy Miller - Ashley Nicholls - REUSER!!!!!!
Bent - 'Log' Logan

Benchwear was modelled by: Graaven, Salmon, Ambrose, Beevers and Erdum Artun.

ARSENAL : Richard Wright wasn't available, so..Graham Stack (WHO), Oates, Juan, Halls, Chorley, Skulason, Santry, Ricketts, Brown, Barret(sic), Thomas.

Arsenal's bland and diminutive left-back was just called 'Juan'. For me, that doesn't cut the mustard. I know I worry about this sort of thing too much, but 'Juan' ? Email me. (oldgit@postmaster.co.uk) (While you're about it, you may care to ponder this: I bought two match tickets for Sweden, but didn't get any priority for Milan: I've got all my travel booked, for me and Mrs OldGit, but the Milan match tickets, I'm appalled to read, have all sold before they got to my entitlement period, which was going to be 9am tomorrow/Wednesday. So, if anyone's already got cold feet, please don't hesitate...)

Our bland and diminutive left back was called 'Gary' but there is nowt more to say about him, other than thank God he wasn't the man that, inexplicably, is playing a role for a country that is doing okay in the World Cup qualifiers. Oh dear, I've got to mention him, I suppose. Amir Karic, who reduces the team to the level of a pub team. He's like the old git who you daren't drop from the team, isn't he? The Reserves is a bit like that generally, with people coming and going all the time, back and forth to Wimbledon, the first team or prison.

Jamie Clapham has, deservedly, broken free. Reuser is back to square one, and tonight he looked nothing better than comfortable. Jamie has broken free because he has shovelled it good and proper in the Reserves. The Dutch International has forgotten the feeling. It could be a long winter, Martin. He is always on the cusp of unfitness. His drawers ruck up around his groin. David Ginola and Richard Logan know exactly how that feels. (No, not how his groin feels: how knickers riding-up feels.) Once Reuser could smell his half-time pastie in the toaster, he made an effort and made a good cross for Nabil to head wide, after a good through ball from Justin Miller, and he was immediately just wide of the left post with a 30-yard free kick. Within five minutes of the break, he was again in action, having found himself in space on the left, and he curled a shot wide of the right upright.

Until the end was in sight, when Reuser re-surfaced to ruffle the side-netting, he merely wheelbarrowed his buttocks about for the rest of the match. So did Log.

Eager Lee Beevers relieved the limping Miller at halftime, big, young, plain Beevers playing left central defence, and Gaardsoe moving up to right central midfield. The only time I had to mention Gaardsoe was when he was booked for fouling Graham Barret (sic) in the 65 min. Gaardsoe's just a tall person, isn't he? I never liked Toshack.

Just after that, I would have awarded a penalty to Arsenal as Justin Miller - who, I thought, had his best game, in the absence of older defenders who possibly scare him: Wayne Brown scares me just with his swearing - lunged at star winger, Jerome Thomas.

The last two Arsenal Yoof and Reserve matches that I saw at FPR were second-half Arsenal massacres, with Mike Salmon, for the Reserves, in the rain, proving to be a fish out of water. (Sorry.) Not tonight. All was well. The lower tier of the Jackson Stand...oh, the North Stand, but the Jackson signs are a lot bigger than the Greene King signs at the other end... looks ready for occupation. The Jackson Stand is on the same scale as the Britannia. Stick some lattice work along the front of the Britannia lid and the two work surprisingly well together as a design. (That thought is copyright, and, probably, in today's leading edge world, worth £ 100,000. If you could create a design link between Churchman's and the Britannia, you deserve a big bung: time for the John Banks Honda 'command hut' to go. )

There. How did I do? Pretty direct? But NOT begloved, so my old fingers have almost broken, in writing this, with cold!

Night-night.

Oh, the crowd? Dunno. They didn't say. Last time, I thought that there were twice as many as they said. This time, I thought there was half as many. Look in the Anglian. (But they don't do the temperature, do they?) I suppose the new, creative midfielding Frenchman was there. Hope he brought his gloves.

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