| Problems with Kids Following Separation 15:02 - Apr 28 with 5226 views | JohnWarksTash |
Hi. I'm not one to reach out but I am struggling to cope with something and in recent days have seen what a supportive bunch we can be on here so here goes....
I left my wife of 17 years back in Nov 2015. I have a number of children with her who I love dearly. Since splitting I have found a new partner who I love very much and I want to bring both sides of my life together however its more of a struggle than I thought. My eldest daughter is 12 and I have been able to tell she is struggling with 'Daddy's new girlfriend' for a while but last night it blew up into hysterics as myself and my new GF were planning to take the kids swimming tomorrow and the eldest girl doesn't want to come. She says she has no problems with my gf personally but she doesn't want to spend time with her. I have been introducing her slowly to the kids and they have only met her a handful of times, but this occasions have gone OK and when I talk to the kids they seem happy'ish with the situation.
I only get the kids to myself for one Saturday night every other week, but I do go round to my old house and put them all to bed once a week and pop in for a quick hello after football training too....so its not like they don't see me. my ex is not keen on me having the kids at mine during the week as its 'too disruptive' so I literally have two days and one night with them on my own every other week so a part of me can understand that the kids want to maximise the little time I have with them and don't want to share.
I feel like I am having to chose between seeing my kids and moving forward with my new relationship. My gf is getting upset as she feels I will have to chose the kids over her, but I don't want to make a choice...I want my two lives to meld together. My gf and I have been together a year and are planning to move in together towards the end of this year, and I fear if my kids don't get used to the idea I will see hardly anything of them.
Any advise or experiences anyone can share would be appreciated. |  | | |  |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 15:13 - Apr 28 with 5163 views | sparks |
Bottom of your third para is the key. No easy way to overcome it. Consider a discussion with the daughter about alternating 1 week with gf and one without? Or try to agree to take her for tea on her own once a fortnight on a weeknight? Shouldn't be too disruptive unless the ex is unreasonable. .. [Post edited 28 Apr 2017 15:14]
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 15:40 - Apr 28 with 5071 views | SaleAway |
A tricky situation - and I don't think anyone can provide a clear solution. But some things to think about from me...
The key to this is dialogue, and progress... it might not be easy for your daughter at the moment - at 12, there is a lot of change going on in her, life, and this might just be one thing too far, but its worth trying to find out exactly what it is that stops her from letting your GF be a part of your meetings. A few questions spring to mind - I wouldn't ask them outright, but if you can find the answers, it might help you to work out a plan, and for your daughter to understand her own feelings.
1. Does she harbour hopes that you and her mum will get back together.... does she see GF as a threat to a scenario that she is secretly hoping for. ( out of interest - does your ex have a new partner?)
2. If you had more time with her - would she accept that some of if would include your GF - if like you say, its only 2 days every fortnight, it won't seem unreasonable to her, that this is your time - you have 12 days to be with GF... Turning this around another way - what would it take for your daughter to feel able to involve a GF of yours in your family life?
3. Does your daughter understand that you have to move on with your life, and that this will involve you having a girlfriend ( relates really to question 1). The key to this is her starting to understand that you have a life too. She's 12 - so she should be starting to understand that the whole world doesn't revolve around her. ( and this might be part of why she's finding it hard).
At the end of the day - everyone is having to adapt to a new circumstance, which is difficult and unsettling for everyone. You, your kids, and your GF. Don't try and force things on people, but always strive for progress. I'd try and keep involving your GF when you can, even if its for part of the day ( so perhaps you go swimming with the kids, but GF comes for tea). Or you all go swimming together - where she can have fun with your GF - but knowing that she is going to get you on her own for the evening/night.
Everyone needs to keep being patient, and keep talking.
Good luck. |  |
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 15:50 - Apr 28 with 5032 views | SaleAway |
Oh. 1 more thing - the idea of having your kids during the week being "too disruptive". Is your ex using the kids to exert some control over you. There are literally thousands of kids that cope perfectly well with split responsibility between parents. As long as both parents stick to the agreed routine, the kids will adapt very quickly. At the end of the day - this might be something to address, as more time with your kids might make it easier for them accept that they don't get your undivided attention whenever they do see you. | |
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 15:57 - Apr 28 with 5002 views | bluefunk |
Good advice from others - been through the same scenario many years ago, although my kids were younger
Reassure everyone that your feelings for them won't change just because you are trying to build a new life while keeping in touch with the old one. Don't try and force the situation, your partner might have to accept that for the time being, your daughter comes first for those few hours a week, and your daughter will also eventually have to accept that you have found someone that will be a part of your life.
The key is dialogue and honesty, and remember who is the grown up here - being 12 is hard enough without this added pressure. As for your partner, taking on someone else's children, even for a few hours a week is a daunting prospect, so take it slow and make sure it doesn't come across like a choice between her and your children - love isn't finite, there's enough for everyone |  | | |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 16:01 - Apr 28 with 4983 views | Uncle_Bulgaria |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 15:50 - Apr 28 by SaleAway |
Oh. 1 more thing - the idea of having your kids during the week being "too disruptive". Is your ex using the kids to exert some control over you. There are literally thousands of kids that cope perfectly well with split responsibility between parents. As long as both parents stick to the agreed routine, the kids will adapt very quickly. At the end of the day - this might be something to address, as more time with your kids might make it easier for them accept that they don't get your undivided attention whenever they do see you. |
This.
I have experience of marital break-ups but not involving kids. This part of your post jumped out at me - "too disruptive". I completely understand your desire to meld the two halves of your life but that will be a problem if your girlfriend feels it is "too disruptive"in any context. Some compromise on her part would make your life considerably easier I suspect |  | | |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 16:05 - Apr 28 with 4965 views | Lord_Lucan |
I offer no advice - except that 12 year old daughters can be difficult even in a settled family unit, yours is also having to accept a Mum replacement.
All you can do is your best and wait for it all to come out ok the other side - which it will. |  |
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 16:17 - Apr 28 with 4916 views | Swailsey |
I am not in a position to offer any advice, other than knowing how difficult it was for my half-sister to accept my father when she was a similar age (they did eventually get past it - and I should stress it was difficult due to her age) but I'm glad you have felt you can seek it on here. Wishing you all the best. |  |
| Who said: "Colin Healy made Cesc Fabregas look like Colin Healy"? | We miss you TLA |
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 16:25 - Apr 28 with 4882 views | JohnWarksTash |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 16:01 - Apr 28 by Uncle_Bulgaria |
This.
I have experience of marital break-ups but not involving kids. This part of your post jumped out at me - "too disruptive". I completely understand your desire to meld the two halves of your life but that will be a problem if your girlfriend feels it is "too disruptive"in any context. Some compromise on her part would make your life considerably easier I suspect |
Thanks for this. I think I may have got my fingers muddled....its the ex wife who thinks it would be too disruptive :) My gf is the one who has suggested I should have them during the week too....ill be honest she is amazingly tolerant...I have five kids and she is prepared to take them all on and do the very best she can to make it work for us all.......t | | | |
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 16:52 - Apr 28 with 4823 views | JohnWarksTash |
Thank you so much for the comments. Definitely some things to think about.
To flesh out the story I have five children ranging from 1 to 14 and obviously I love them all dearly. my ex is a very controlling person to the extent it took me many many years to build up the courage to leave...and I am no pushover myself, but when someone has spent the best part of twenty years feeling like the are worthless its hard to build up the courage to move on. I knew my relationship with her was wrong quite early on, but circumstances and the death of my own father when I was 21 pushed me towards trying to make things work.
I am the kind of person who has always put my personal happiness behind others, not in an altruistic way, but because I would rather upset myself than deal with the fall out of putting myself first and I am struggling with huge guilt issues regarding breaking up the family. People can tell me I have done the right thing until they are blue in the face but I struggle to accept it.
I know I will probably get through this and my relationship with the eldest girly will be all the stronger for it, but the thought of causing even more upset to my kids is pushing me to breaking point.
Thanks for your help. I don't think I know any of you personally, but the support we receive from those unconnected with our lives can be greatly reassuring. | | | |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:30 - Apr 28 with 4734 views | NewcyBlue |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 16:52 - Apr 28 by JohnWarksTash |
Thank you so much for the comments. Definitely some things to think about.
To flesh out the story I have five children ranging from 1 to 14 and obviously I love them all dearly. my ex is a very controlling person to the extent it took me many many years to build up the courage to leave...and I am no pushover myself, but when someone has spent the best part of twenty years feeling like the are worthless its hard to build up the courage to move on. I knew my relationship with her was wrong quite early on, but circumstances and the death of my own father when I was 21 pushed me towards trying to make things work.
I am the kind of person who has always put my personal happiness behind others, not in an altruistic way, but because I would rather upset myself than deal with the fall out of putting myself first and I am struggling with huge guilt issues regarding breaking up the family. People can tell me I have done the right thing until they are blue in the face but I struggle to accept it.
I know I will probably get through this and my relationship with the eldest girly will be all the stronger for it, but the thought of causing even more upset to my kids is pushing me to breaking point.
Thanks for your help. I don't think I know any of you personally, but the support we receive from those unconnected with our lives can be greatly reassuring. |
Mate, it can be really hard.
I would say don't push it, your daughter will pull away further. It is easy to think the worst in these situations, is it the Mother? Is it parental alienation? All sorts of things. It is just your daughter struggling to adjust.
Start a new thing where each kid gets to choose a family activity each time there are with you.
Perhaps get them to write them on cars and pull them out of a hat.
Eventually your daughter will find something in common with your new partner.
Don't force it, don't treat your daughter any differently, just carry on. It gets easier.
I can't tell you how great this place is as a place to vent, a place of support. I have laid bare my woes and have come out of it with a clearer mind.
NewcyJr adores my partner, which makes the ex-wife unhappy. Unfortunately she is a very controlling woman and hasn't made it easy.
Stay the course. It gets easier. |  |
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:31 - Apr 28 with 4731 views | soupytwist |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 15:57 - Apr 28 by bluefunk |
Good advice from others - been through the same scenario many years ago, although my kids were younger
Reassure everyone that your feelings for them won't change just because you are trying to build a new life while keeping in touch with the old one. Don't try and force the situation, your partner might have to accept that for the time being, your daughter comes first for those few hours a week, and your daughter will also eventually have to accept that you have found someone that will be a part of your life.
The key is dialogue and honesty, and remember who is the grown up here - being 12 is hard enough without this added pressure. As for your partner, taking on someone else's children, even for a few hours a week is a daunting prospect, so take it slow and make sure it doesn't come across like a choice between her and your children - love isn't finite, there's enough for everyone |
"love isn't finite, there's enough for everyone"
What a lovely sentiment and ideal for someone with the marvellous Curtis Mayfield as their avatar. |  | | |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:41 - Apr 28 with 4690 views | hoppy |
I sent you a pm a little while back if you've not seen it. |  |
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:41 - Apr 28 with 4686 views | JohnWarksTash |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:30 - Apr 28 by NewcyBlue |
Mate, it can be really hard.
I would say don't push it, your daughter will pull away further. It is easy to think the worst in these situations, is it the Mother? Is it parental alienation? All sorts of things. It is just your daughter struggling to adjust.
Start a new thing where each kid gets to choose a family activity each time there are with you.
Perhaps get them to write them on cars and pull them out of a hat.
Eventually your daughter will find something in common with your new partner.
Don't force it, don't treat your daughter any differently, just carry on. It gets easier.
I can't tell you how great this place is as a place to vent, a place of support. I have laid bare my woes and have come out of it with a clearer mind.
NewcyJr adores my partner, which makes the ex-wife unhappy. Unfortunately she is a very controlling woman and hasn't made it easy.
Stay the course. It gets easier. |
I am liking the idea of each choosing an activity although I am struggling to cover the rent so putting every idea on a different car might be a struggle ;)
Seriously though I am blown away by the full and honest responses on there...and I will be listening to some Curtis Mayfield later. | | | |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:43 - Apr 28 with 4672 views | hoppy |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:30 - Apr 28 by NewcyBlue |
Mate, it can be really hard.
I would say don't push it, your daughter will pull away further. It is easy to think the worst in these situations, is it the Mother? Is it parental alienation? All sorts of things. It is just your daughter struggling to adjust.
Start a new thing where each kid gets to choose a family activity each time there are with you.
Perhaps get them to write them on cars and pull them out of a hat.
Eventually your daughter will find something in common with your new partner.
Don't force it, don't treat your daughter any differently, just carry on. It gets easier.
I can't tell you how great this place is as a place to vent, a place of support. I have laid bare my woes and have come out of it with a clearer mind.
NewcyJr adores my partner, which makes the ex-wife unhappy. Unfortunately she is a very controlling woman and hasn't made it easy.
Stay the course. It gets easier. |
"Perhaps get them to write them on cars and pull them out of a hat."
Promoting vandalism isn't possibly the best approach. Would you suggest sticking them on with no more nails? | |
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:47 - Apr 28 with 4652 views | NewcyBlue |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:41 - Apr 28 by JohnWarksTash |
I am liking the idea of each choosing an activity although I am struggling to cover the rent so putting every idea on a different car might be a struggle ;)
Seriously though I am blown away by the full and honest responses on there...and I will be listening to some Curtis Mayfield later. |
You don't have to own the cars. Just use the cover of darkness (not the band Hoppy)...
Try daysoutwiththekids.Com
Lots of stuff there and usually a lot free stuff too.
Summer time means picnics, cheap and fun if you buy some cheap games off eBay or Amazon.
Create your own treasure trail. A walk around where you live with clues and things to look for on the way.
A lot of cheap and free stuff to do. | |
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:48 - Apr 28 with 4646 views | hoppy |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:47 - Apr 28 by NewcyBlue |
You don't have to own the cars. Just use the cover of darkness (not the band Hoppy)...
Try daysoutwiththekids.Com
Lots of stuff there and usually a lot free stuff too.
Summer time means picnics, cheap and fun if you buy some cheap games off eBay or Amazon.
Create your own treasure trail. A walk around where you live with clues and things to look for on the way.
A lot of cheap and free stuff to do. |
Very good site, that. I've used it a lot too. | |
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:54 - Apr 28 with 4619 views | JohnWarksTash |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:41 - Apr 28 by hoppy |
I sent you a pm a little while back if you've not seen it. |
Just replied. Thank you so much. | | | |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:56 - Apr 28 with 4614 views | JohnWarksTash |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:47 - Apr 28 by NewcyBlue |
You don't have to own the cars. Just use the cover of darkness (not the band Hoppy)...
Try daysoutwiththekids.Com
Lots of stuff there and usually a lot free stuff too.
Summer time means picnics, cheap and fun if you buy some cheap games off eBay or Amazon.
Create your own treasure trail. A walk around where you live with clues and things to look for on the way.
A lot of cheap and free stuff to do. |
Ooo The Darkness....that gives me a chance to publish my claim to fame....Justin Hawkins is one of my mates! I will direct him to the post.....he needs all the publicity he can get :)
I am also loving the treasure trail etc.....thank you so much.
I'm a bit fragile today and am not ashamed to admit the level of response has brought a tear to my eye a number of times. | | | |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 19:24 - Apr 28 with 4472 views | Sporall |
Hope it all settles down for you. |  | | |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 00:21 - Apr 29 with 4251 views | KBsSocks |
Lots of extemely sage advice thus far, I think :-) From TWTD Big Guns, too.
My thoughts, FWTW:
"I feel like I am having to chose between seeing my kids and moving forward with my new relationship. My gf is getting upset as she feels I will have to chose the kids over her, but I don't want to make a choice...I want my two lives to meld together."
There is no choice here. You will choose your kids.
Kids are blood; GF is GF.
Which makes me suspect you might be "externalising" rather than "internalising" - for your not being able to rationalise / internalise / deal with the situation.
I think GF will understand the situation. (She may not, of course.)
Anyway, for example, I know that I'm third in the pecking order after OH's Mum and her Dog. Ex- threatened Dogsleep if OH didn't return from Dad's funeral.
This, to me, is the main issue that shouts out that hasn't been addressed by previous posts.
Other thoughts, mostly playing Devil's Advocate:
"It's not like they don't see me" = three times a week for twenty minutes ?
I used to see my nephews for just over two weeks a year. This is more than 2h/week that my sister's ex- used to see them. Including their (early) sleep and my sleeping-in whilst I visited. Sorry, but what I'm saying here is different people have different Accounting Standards. You don't need to justify it to me or the thread, but try to see Accounting Standards from other perspectives.
12 yo daughter. She will have learnt her default reactions / coping mechanisms from her parents. You will be potentially dealing with a combination of you and your ex-, sorry to say. If it's mostly the ex-, then that'll probably be easier for you to deal with; it's unlikely to be the case. Is your mum still around ? Ask her for advice for how she dealt with teenaged you ?
"Too disruptive" - your ex- is probably right, sorry. In my experience, this is true. For under-14s anyway. (Not really Devil's A)
"ex is a very controlling person to the extent it took me many many years to build up the courage to leave...and I am no pushover myself"
So, you are the second-most-controlling person in the original family unit ? You might be very controlling, too. Neither easy to live and grow up with, and not be influenced by for a 12 year old.
Or you might be a practitioner of reverse-psychology and / or passive aggression. (From your writings, I suspect Control - and PA when called upon under duress ...)
Guilt ? Could you explain your guilt - and to whom if pressed to do so ?
Okay, so keep struggling - 5 kids is almost half a team. KBO. |  |
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 20:41 - Apr 30 with 3952 views | JohnWarksTash |
Just popping up to thank everyone for their help over the past few days. I've just delivered the kids back to their mother's and we have had a nice weekend and one for to the bottom of some of the kids worries. Turns out my ex has been cherry picking the children's worries and only giving me half a story so I'm feeling much more positive. I'm also going to seek some professional help with my anxieties and general feelings of sadness.
Many thanks once again and if anyone needs an open eat don't hesitate to shout. I'm touched by the responses I've had.
Hugs xxx | | | |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 00:23 - May 1 with 3855 views | flimflam |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 15:50 - Apr 28 by SaleAway |
Oh. 1 more thing - the idea of having your kids during the week being "too disruptive". Is your ex using the kids to exert some control over you. There are literally thousands of kids that cope perfectly well with split responsibility between parents. As long as both parents stick to the agreed routine, the kids will adapt very quickly. At the end of the day - this might be something to address, as more time with your kids might make it easier for them accept that they don't get your undivided attention whenever they do see you. |
Agree totally.
We do 3 2 2 plan so the days alternate each week so one week Mon Tue Wed Sat Sun then following week Thur Fri. Works well and my kids roughly the same age.
Means you get every other weekend with little people but also get them in the week so can help with homework drop em at school etc which a lot of dad's never get to do once seperated.
I've been seperated 2.5 years and by choice have not got another partner as don't think I could fit them in to my life currently. My ex is the same so makes things easier I guess.
Also my relationship with kids is stronger than ever as it's just me and them when I have them and like others have said just be open and honest and never use them as a weapon. They are able to adapt as long as you are consistent and stick to any routines you have in place. [Post edited 1 May 2017 0:35]
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| All men and women are created, by the, you know the, you know the thing. |
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 00:35 - May 1 with 3840 views | Lord_Lucan |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 17:56 - Apr 28 by JohnWarksTash |
Ooo The Darkness....that gives me a chance to publish my claim to fame....Justin Hawkins is one of my mates! I will direct him to the post.....he needs all the publicity he can get :)
I am also loving the treasure trail etc.....thank you so much.
I'm a bit fragile today and am not ashamed to admit the level of response has brought a tear to my eye a number of times. |
He's a Nodge fan isn't he? | |
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| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 08:59 - May 9 with 3523 views | JohnWarksTash |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 00:35 - May 1 by Lord_Lucan |
He's a Nodge fan isn't he? |
Sorry LL I only just noticed your reply. I promise to be more vigilant in the future!
He never really followed anyone at school, but has subsequently said he's a Nodge fan........I blame the hedonistic lifestyle pickling his brain :) | | | |
| Problems with Kids Following Separation on 15:00 - May 9 with 3370 views | ColchesterBlue1985 |
Hi,
Can somewhat relate to your dilemma, i have a son from my marriage and inherited 2 girls with my new partner. The key i always believe is to give them all the chance to be involved so we take it in turns to decide what we do (within reason) and it seems to work most of the time. Ironically enough we are going swimming this weekend without mum (shes working) just me the girls and my son. Its a tough situation though no doubt and ive been made well aware that i am not the girls "dad" on more than one occasion, normally when they dont get their own way funnily enough. However both their mum and me are together and we consider ourselves a family of 5 despite my son not living with us, we just try and make it as easy transition as possible for them all. Break ups are not nice on anyone and not something any of us would choose flippantly when their are kids involved but sometimes necessary for "mum & dad" to be happy again. | | | |
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